WARNING: Long, Depressing Post Ahead...It's all coming out..
I'm not sure where to begin this shit. My thoughts might be a bit all over the place....
I'll just start off with my discovery the other night. I was in the bathroom cabinet and I dropped a tube of neosporin in an old box of Breath Right strips. So I pulled the box from the top shelf, grabbed the neosporin and looked inside. How lovely. Empty pencaps that were once filled with cocaine, and some booklets of matches. I had found one of these pencaps on the window sill, back around November. I was suspicious, but I tried not to think of it. I wasn't really shocked. But it hurt. I felt let down. I'm pretty sure it's just my mom because Scott takes alot of pills for his health (diabetes, high cholessterol, hig blood pressure, etc.). So, she'd rather snort coke than be there for her kids? I don't really want to make her sound bad. She's my mom, and I love her regardless of anything. I just feel like no one gives a shit. I try so hard to be good and not fuck up. I'm always worried about what others might think or feel of my words/actions. I don't want to hurt people like I've been hurt. You think anyone can return the favor? ( I do have some good friends I can trust, you all know who you are) I also realized how weird and fucked up everything is. Anyone who's been in my house-have you never noticed how plain it is? In all the places I've lived, there's never been any pictures, or family photos, or knickknacks or anything. I thought it was weird. My mom never puts up any of my art work or anything. Never came to any of my soccer games. Never goes to school meetings. My parents also never took us anywhere (zoo, museums, etc). We go out for dinner like 2x a year for our bdays, that's it. And they always say they'll do something and never do. I can't trust their word. They never buy me anything. I mean like "hey Megan, we were at the store, and we thought you could use this" never. My mom has been with Scott for 14 years, they aren't married. I suggested last week to her that they should. She said, "What? Why? Who put that idea in your head?" Nothing makes sense. All the answers she gives or doesn't give for that matter don't make sense. They don't think about me, they don't care. I am still grateful for having a roof over my head and food to eat. Let me clear that up, I'm not an ingrate. It wears me down. I think I deserve so much more. I try so hard, I never do anything bad. The worst thing I ever did was shop lift from Kmart a few years ago. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, etc. I sleep on a broken bed, listen to a shitty cd player, wear bras one size too small, wear shoes w/ holes in them, etc. It just bothers me, everything I have is old, broken, holey. I think I deserve nice things, when I need them. But no one can be bother. I hardly ever ask for anything. I know I won't get it. "All I have is 3 dollars soo...." that's what I get. Yeah, maybe if the money didn't go towards coke or weed, I wouldn't wear the same pants all the time. I'M SO FUCKIN' TIRED OF EVERYTHING. I just might blow up and have a break down soon. Everyone says, "talk to them." It's so hard. I have all these feelings inside and I want to shout it all out, but I'm too scared so I have to shove it all in. I feel like I'm stuck. I don't know how to get out. I feel terrible. I'm angry, bitter, depressed, etc. all in one.
Back to the coke. I printed out a paper that had the affects of cocaine on it. Then I folded it up and put it in the box. Maybe that'll get my message across.
Maybe it's not right for me to post all this personal stuff. But this is like a journal. I wanted to get all my thoughts out. Maybe it will help me. I needed to organize my thoughts and shit. I just hate the fact that everything around me is so fucked up. I must be like urban white trash. I swear. It's not fair. But I guess that's where "Life isn't fair" factors in. Well I think that's enough for now.
In other news, Martin returns from math camp tomorrow. DMH is in less than a week. And Atreyu is right around the corner.
*virgins sold in quantity, herded by heridity. red neck burn out mid west mind, "who said date rape isn't kind?" porno-nation evaluation, what's this "time for segregation" libido, libido fascination, too much oral defecation. white trash get down on your knees, time for cake and sodomy........*