One good post, deserves another...
Well, I haven't written in a long time, cuz I've been at home wallowing in self-pity and self-loathing. It's been a boring summer. I haven't gone out in a while, I'm bored out of my mind and I spend the entire day watching the television, because all of my friends live so far from me and I hate having to commute! I need my liscense! That way I could drive myself places and feel less lame and sheltered from the freaking world. I'm also stressing cuz I don't know what I am going to do about college, cuz I've pretty much screwed myself over with my grades. I know I'm not stupid I just am lazy and get into ruts a lot, but I swear on everything that I'm not going to do that this year! I want to go away for awhile and be by myself, in a new location somewhere where maybe I can be so busy that I don't have time to think about my petty problems and my issues. Somewhere where I can just start fresh. You know this is somethingI was hoping for with highschool, no one from my eighth grade class was coming to my highschool and I felt I could just be myself, but I fell into another vicious cycle, but I should stop talking now. Megan, I'm sorry about your mom, and I'm sorry that your dad is such a freaking dead beat (is dead beat one word or two?) that the only check you have received in years is for only six bucks. If you really need to talk about it you can call me. I don't know what kind of advice I can give you, but I know I can lend you an ear so you can vent a bit more privately if you want. That's all for now.
~KASTLE~
Saturday, August 09, 2003
WARNING: Long, Depressing Post Ahead...It's all coming out..
I'm not sure where to begin this shit. My thoughts might be a bit all over the place....
I'll just start off with my discovery the other night. I was in the bathroom cabinet and I dropped a tube of neosporin in an old box of Breath Right strips. So I pulled the box from the top shelf, grabbed the neosporin and looked inside. How lovely. Empty pencaps that were once filled with cocaine, and some booklets of matches. I had found one of these pencaps on the window sill, back around November. I was suspicious, but I tried not to think of it. I wasn't really shocked. But it hurt. I felt let down. I'm pretty sure it's just my mom because Scott takes alot of pills for his health (diabetes, high cholessterol, hig blood pressure, etc.). So, she'd rather snort coke than be there for her kids? I don't really want to make her sound bad. She's my mom, and I love her regardless of anything. I just feel like no one gives a shit. I try so hard to be good and not fuck up. I'm always worried about what others might think or feel of my words/actions. I don't want to hurt people like I've been hurt. You think anyone can return the favor? ( I do have some good friends I can trust, you all know who you are) I also realized how weird and fucked up everything is. Anyone who's been in my house-have you never noticed how plain it is? In all the places I've lived, there's never been any pictures, or family photos, or knickknacks or anything. I thought it was weird. My mom never puts up any of my art work or anything. Never came to any of my soccer games. Never goes to school meetings. My parents also never took us anywhere (zoo, museums, etc). We go out for dinner like 2x a year for our bdays, that's it. And they always say they'll do something and never do. I can't trust their word. They never buy me anything. I mean like "hey Megan, we were at the store, and we thought you could use this" never. My mom has been with Scott for 14 years, they aren't married. I suggested last week to her that they should. She said, "What? Why? Who put that idea in your head?" Nothing makes sense. All the answers she gives or doesn't give for that matter don't make sense. They don't think about me, they don't care. I am still grateful for having a roof over my head and food to eat. Let me clear that up, I'm not an ingrate. It wears me down. I think I deserve so much more. I try so hard, I never do anything bad. The worst thing I ever did was shop lift from Kmart a few years ago. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, etc. I sleep on a broken bed, listen to a shitty cd player, wear bras one size too small, wear shoes w/ holes in them, etc. It just bothers me, everything I have is old, broken, holey. I think I deserve nice things, when I need them. But no one can be bother. I hardly ever ask for anything. I know I won't get it. "All I have is 3 dollars soo...." that's what I get. Yeah, maybe if the money didn't go towards coke or weed, I wouldn't wear the same pants all the time. I'M SO FUCKIN' TIRED OF EVERYTHING. I just might blow up and have a break down soon. Everyone says, "talk to them." It's so hard. I have all these feelings inside and I want to shout it all out, but I'm too scared so I have to shove it all in. I feel like I'm stuck. I don't know how to get out. I feel terrible. I'm angry, bitter, depressed, etc. all in one.
Back to the coke. I printed out a paper that had the affects of cocaine on it. Then I folded it up and put it in the box. Maybe that'll get my message across.
Maybe it's not right for me to post all this personal stuff. But this is like a journal. I wanted to get all my thoughts out. Maybe it will help me. I needed to organize my thoughts and shit. I just hate the fact that everything around me is so fucked up. I must be like urban white trash. I swear. It's not fair. But I guess that's where "Life isn't fair" factors in. Well I think that's enough for now.
In other news, Martin returns from math camp tomorrow. DMH is in less than a week. And Atreyu is right around the corner.
*virgins sold in quantity, herded by heridity. red neck burn out mid west mind, "who said date rape isn't kind?" porno-nation evaluation, what's this "time for segregation" libido, libido fascination, too much oral defecation. white trash get down on your knees, time for cake and sodomy........*
I'm not sure where to begin this shit. My thoughts might be a bit all over the place....
I'll just start off with my discovery the other night. I was in the bathroom cabinet and I dropped a tube of neosporin in an old box of Breath Right strips. So I pulled the box from the top shelf, grabbed the neosporin and looked inside. How lovely. Empty pencaps that were once filled with cocaine, and some booklets of matches. I had found one of these pencaps on the window sill, back around November. I was suspicious, but I tried not to think of it. I wasn't really shocked. But it hurt. I felt let down. I'm pretty sure it's just my mom because Scott takes alot of pills for his health (diabetes, high cholessterol, hig blood pressure, etc.). So, she'd rather snort coke than be there for her kids? I don't really want to make her sound bad. She's my mom, and I love her regardless of anything. I just feel like no one gives a shit. I try so hard to be good and not fuck up. I'm always worried about what others might think or feel of my words/actions. I don't want to hurt people like I've been hurt. You think anyone can return the favor? ( I do have some good friends I can trust, you all know who you are) I also realized how weird and fucked up everything is. Anyone who's been in my house-have you never noticed how plain it is? In all the places I've lived, there's never been any pictures, or family photos, or knickknacks or anything. I thought it was weird. My mom never puts up any of my art work or anything. Never came to any of my soccer games. Never goes to school meetings. My parents also never took us anywhere (zoo, museums, etc). We go out for dinner like 2x a year for our bdays, that's it. And they always say they'll do something and never do. I can't trust their word. They never buy me anything. I mean like "hey Megan, we were at the store, and we thought you could use this" never. My mom has been with Scott for 14 years, they aren't married. I suggested last week to her that they should. She said, "What? Why? Who put that idea in your head?" Nothing makes sense. All the answers she gives or doesn't give for that matter don't make sense. They don't think about me, they don't care. I am still grateful for having a roof over my head and food to eat. Let me clear that up, I'm not an ingrate. It wears me down. I think I deserve so much more. I try so hard, I never do anything bad. The worst thing I ever did was shop lift from Kmart a few years ago. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, etc. I sleep on a broken bed, listen to a shitty cd player, wear bras one size too small, wear shoes w/ holes in them, etc. It just bothers me, everything I have is old, broken, holey. I think I deserve nice things, when I need them. But no one can be bother. I hardly ever ask for anything. I know I won't get it. "All I have is 3 dollars soo...." that's what I get. Yeah, maybe if the money didn't go towards coke or weed, I wouldn't wear the same pants all the time. I'M SO FUCKIN' TIRED OF EVERYTHING. I just might blow up and have a break down soon. Everyone says, "talk to them." It's so hard. I have all these feelings inside and I want to shout it all out, but I'm too scared so I have to shove it all in. I feel like I'm stuck. I don't know how to get out. I feel terrible. I'm angry, bitter, depressed, etc. all in one.
Back to the coke. I printed out a paper that had the affects of cocaine on it. Then I folded it up and put it in the box. Maybe that'll get my message across.
Maybe it's not right for me to post all this personal stuff. But this is like a journal. I wanted to get all my thoughts out. Maybe it will help me. I needed to organize my thoughts and shit. I just hate the fact that everything around me is so fucked up. I must be like urban white trash. I swear. It's not fair. But I guess that's where "Life isn't fair" factors in. Well I think that's enough for now.
In other news, Martin returns from math camp tomorrow. DMH is in less than a week. And Atreyu is right around the corner.
*virgins sold in quantity, herded by heridity. red neck burn out mid west mind, "who said date rape isn't kind?" porno-nation evaluation, what's this "time for segregation" libido, libido fascination, too much oral defecation. white trash get down on your knees, time for cake and sodomy........*
Friday, August 08, 2003
Highlight of the Day
So we were outside with Unit 3 and this kid named Adam was like "Oh Shit!" so the kid who he was playing with (Nick) was telling on him to the head counselor like "oooh, Dayna! Adam said s-h-i-t!!!" Then Adam was like "Noooo, I said Shit! it was funny, cuz i don't know if the kid realized that he was just spelling the word. urrrurrr!
Oh yeah, and another thing we could do to horschie's kid is "accidentally" put sand in his face (mouth, hair, eyes, even lunchbox) during field trips to the beach.
Oh yeah, Megan, yo dad's cheap fo sho.....peace
So we were outside with Unit 3 and this kid named Adam was like "Oh Shit!" so the kid who he was playing with (Nick) was telling on him to the head counselor like "oooh, Dayna! Adam said s-h-i-t!!!" Then Adam was like "Noooo, I said Shit! it was funny, cuz i don't know if the kid realized that he was just spelling the word. urrrurrr!
Oh yeah, and another thing we could do to horschie's kid is "accidentally" put sand in his face (mouth, hair, eyes, even lunchbox) during field trips to the beach.
Oh yeah, Megan, yo dad's cheap fo sho.....peace
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
Wow, I can't get much lower than this...
Power Rangers Movie!
What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Anyways. I went to Woodfield Mall today. That was pretty, good 'cept that I had no money. We were in the bathroom and we heard this farting. You know, when you shit and there's lil farts. Me and Inette started cracking up. The woman kept farting liek that. It sounded so nasty. I ran outta the bathroom laughing hysterically. Later on David got me a plastic froggie from outta the change pond. It was funny. I should name it.
In other news, I cried myself to sleep last night. I fought it the whole night. But I broke down. I really hate when that happens. It really hurts. Maybe I sound like a baby, I don't know. I'm so confused now. I'm not sure how to feel. He made me happy, and as quick as he could make me happy, he makes me sad :(. I hate this. I know he has his problems. I don't wanna be one of them. So I'll just back off. I'm going to stop rambling now.
By the way....Bizznazz Meeting, minus the Bizznazz. New China Buffet (Addison and Elston Ave). Before 3 pm ($5 dolla special...shiiiiiiit). Sometime next week.
I'm out..
*each time i make my mother cry and angel dies and falls from heaven, when a boy is still a worm its hard to learn the number seven*
Power Rangers Movie!
What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Anyways. I went to Woodfield Mall today. That was pretty, good 'cept that I had no money. We were in the bathroom and we heard this farting. You know, when you shit and there's lil farts. Me and Inette started cracking up. The woman kept farting liek that. It sounded so nasty. I ran outta the bathroom laughing hysterically. Later on David got me a plastic froggie from outta the change pond. It was funny. I should name it.
In other news, I cried myself to sleep last night. I fought it the whole night. But I broke down. I really hate when that happens. It really hurts. Maybe I sound like a baby, I don't know. I'm so confused now. I'm not sure how to feel. He made me happy, and as quick as he could make me happy, he makes me sad :(. I hate this. I know he has his problems. I don't wanna be one of them. So I'll just back off. I'm going to stop rambling now.
By the way....Bizznazz Meeting, minus the Bizznazz. New China Buffet (Addison and Elston Ave). Before 3 pm ($5 dolla special...shiiiiiiit). Sometime next week.
I'm out..
*each time i make my mother cry and angel dies and falls from heaven, when a boy is still a worm its hard to learn the number seven*
Hey, long time no post. So, I've been at camp almost a week. It's been aight. I get my first paycheck this Friday. I just want to say some of the highlights of the day. .....okay, so one of the highlights was during lunch when this kids spilt his pringles on the floor when trying to share some with his friend. After he picked up most of the pieces on the floor, he continued to eat some of the crumbs right of the ground outside, so i had to tell him to stop and take away the rest of the pringles before they'd eat them, well, they were being kinda bad (threatening to throw a tennis ball at my "'giney". I think they meant vagina- another highlight) so i bribed them with the dirty pringles and ended up letting them eat them after they fell on the dirty floor. but they enjoyed them because when i gave it to them they were all like "Mmmmm, dirty pringles!!!!" so yeah, that was my highlight. Lana's highlight was funnier about this one girl peeing in her pants twice in one day, but I'll let her tell you. Another one was when we were naming the planets and this one boy said Planet X...seriously too.
I also want to tell you guys about me and Lana's plot against Mr. Horsch's and Ms. P's baby. If they ever have a baby (i still think it's illegal) So, since we are both counselors at this camp, we were just saying the things we would do and get away with if Horschmeistah sent his kid to our camp.
Ideas to Torment Child
1. hold head under water in the pool.
2. beat him with an ugly stick
3. lock in bath room
4. push down stairs
5. When helping put on clothes, button shirt all the way up so that it chokes him
6. Give mouthwash instead of soap to wash hands
7. Spit in juice cup
8. Put shoes on wrong feet
9. Give time-out just for looking at me
10 give permission to cross street when cars are coming
11. Leave him at park
12. Give him a dirty, wet towel when he comes out of the pool
13. Close elevator on him
14. Sneak bricks into his backpack
15. Make him hold the leaky juice jugs
It cracked me up so much I just want to share it with you all in case you guys also have any ideas......later, peace
I also want to tell you guys about me and Lana's plot against Mr. Horsch's and Ms. P's baby. If they ever have a baby (i still think it's illegal) So, since we are both counselors at this camp, we were just saying the things we would do and get away with if Horschmeistah sent his kid to our camp.
Ideas to Torment Child
1. hold head under water in the pool.
2. beat him with an ugly stick
3. lock in bath room
4. push down stairs
5. When helping put on clothes, button shirt all the way up so that it chokes him
6. Give mouthwash instead of soap to wash hands
7. Spit in juice cup
8. Put shoes on wrong feet
9. Give time-out just for looking at me
10 give permission to cross street when cars are coming
11. Leave him at park
12. Give him a dirty, wet towel when he comes out of the pool
13. Close elevator on him
14. Sneak bricks into his backpack
15. Make him hold the leaky juice jugs
It cracked me up so much I just want to share it with you all in case you guys also have any ideas......later, peace
Hey, long time no post. So, I've been at camp almost a week. It's been aight. I get my first paycheck this Friday. I just want to say some of the highlights of the day. .....okay, so one of the highlights was during lunch when this kids spilt his pringles on the floor when trying to share some with his friend. After he picked up most of the pieces on the floor, he continued to eat some of the crumbs right of the ground outside, so i had to tell him to stop and take away the rest of the pringles before they'd eat them, well, they were being kinda bad (threatening to throw a tennis ball at my "'giney". I think they meant vagina- another highlight) so i bribed them with the dirty pringles and ended up letting them eat them after they fell on the dirty floor. but they enjoyed them because when i gave it to them they were all like "Mmmmm, dirty pringles!!!!" so yeah, that was my highlight. Lana's highlight was funnier about this one girl peeing in her pants twice in one day, but I'll let her tell you. Another one was when we were naming the planets and this one boy said Planet X...seriously too.
I also want to tell you guys about me and Lana's plot against Mr. Horsch's and Ms. P's baby. If they ever have a baby (i still think it's illegal) So, since we are both counselors at this camp, we were just saying the things we would do and get away with if Horschmeistah sent his kid to our camp.
Ideas to Torment Child
1. hold head under water in the pool.
2. beat him with an ugly stick
3. lock in bath room
4. push down stairs
5. When helping put on clothes, button shirt all the way up so that it chokes him
6. Give mouthwash instead of soap to wash hands
7. Spit in juice cup
8. Put shoes on wrong feet
9. Give time-out just for looking at me
10 give permission to cross street when cars are coming
11. Leave him at park
12. Give him a dirty, wet towel when he comes out of the pool
13. Close elevator on him
14. Sneak bricks into his backpack
15. Make him hold the leaky juice jugs
It cracked me up so much I just want to share it with you all in case you guys also have any ideas......later, peace
I also want to tell you guys about me and Lana's plot against Mr. Horsch's and Ms. P's baby. If they ever have a baby (i still think it's illegal) So, since we are both counselors at this camp, we were just saying the things we would do and get away with if Horschmeistah sent his kid to our camp.
Ideas to Torment Child
1. hold head under water in the pool.
2. beat him with an ugly stick
3. lock in bath room
4. push down stairs
5. When helping put on clothes, button shirt all the way up so that it chokes him
6. Give mouthwash instead of soap to wash hands
7. Spit in juice cup
8. Put shoes on wrong feet
9. Give time-out just for looking at me
10 give permission to cross street when cars are coming
11. Leave him at park
12. Give him a dirty, wet towel when he comes out of the pool
13. Close elevator on him
14. Sneak bricks into his backpack
15. Make him hold the leaky juice jugs
It cracked me up so much I just want to share it with you all in case you guys also have any ideas......later, peace
I wish I had no heart
Sometimes I really do wish that. It would make things easier. I could be like most other people. Shit, I don't know what's wrong with me. This wave of depression has suddenly overcome me. I hate when that happens. Well, I'm gonna try hard. I still have about 3 more weeks of summer vacation. So I'm going to use them up to the fullest. I can't let this shit drag me down.
In other news the concert last night was ok. I had to wait through 5 bands to see Acumen Nation. Finally when they were on, some obnoxius bitch kept trying to shove me outta the way to get my spot...but I elbowed her and shoved her back. Beforehand I heard her say, "DOn't worry we'll be in front. Just wait til it starts." I was like "Ohhh Hellz nah, I know this bitch don't think she can take my spot when I been standing here during some shitty ass bands. SHiiiiit" And she sure didn't, I didn't even budge. Dumb bitch. Acumen Nation was awesome though. Theyre playing again next month, I'll prolly go. Well I'm out. Nite nite...
*i saw heaven and hell were lies, WHEN I'M GOD EVERYONE DIES*
Sometimes I really do wish that. It would make things easier. I could be like most other people. Shit, I don't know what's wrong with me. This wave of depression has suddenly overcome me. I hate when that happens. Well, I'm gonna try hard. I still have about 3 more weeks of summer vacation. So I'm going to use them up to the fullest. I can't let this shit drag me down.
In other news the concert last night was ok. I had to wait through 5 bands to see Acumen Nation. Finally when they were on, some obnoxius bitch kept trying to shove me outta the way to get my spot...but I elbowed her and shoved her back. Beforehand I heard her say, "DOn't worry we'll be in front. Just wait til it starts." I was like "Ohhh Hellz nah, I know this bitch don't think she can take my spot when I been standing here during some shitty ass bands. SHiiiiit" And she sure didn't, I didn't even budge. Dumb bitch. Acumen Nation was awesome though. Theyre playing again next month, I'll prolly go. Well I'm out. Nite nite...
*i saw heaven and hell were lies, WHEN I'M GOD EVERYONE DIES*
Sunday, August 03, 2003
It's Raining....But Not Men...Hallejuyah
Yeah, I forgot how to spell hallejuah...Well not like I use it often. ANyways, I'm bored and passing time before I leave for the Acumen Nation show. I hope it's good. Damn pop punk bands. I'm currently heating up a rice bowl in the microwave. Bon apetite! I'll post later!
*stronger than never ever before KMFDM is a drug against war!*
Yeah, I forgot how to spell hallejuah...Well not like I use it often. ANyways, I'm bored and passing time before I leave for the Acumen Nation show. I hope it's good. Damn pop punk bands. I'm currently heating up a rice bowl in the microwave. Bon apetite! I'll post later!
*stronger than never ever before KMFDM is a drug against war!*